Lord, All the Lies!
by Fiberglass Houses
Summary: Imagine your favorite heroes from Artemis Fowl, Harry Potter, and Series of Unfortunate Events meeting on a cruise ship. Then the ship sinks and they are stranded together on a deserted island. Think "Lord of the Flies" meets Scholastic Press.


**Lord, All the Lies!**

**Chapter 1**

**Bon Voyage!**

"Oi! This is brilliant!" the red-haired boy cried, stepping onto the cruise ship's wide wooden deck. "I've never been on such a huge boat before. Do lots of Mug...I mean, nonmagical folks travel like this?"

"I guess, on vacation and stuff," the green-eyed boy with a scar on his forehead replied. He wiped his wire-rimmed glasses on his sweater and looked cautiously back down the walkway they had just taken from the dock. "You know, I'm still kind of nervous that maybe we were followed."

"Don't worry so much! You're on vacation," his friend assured him knowledgeably. "As long as we use our fake names, no one will know who we are, and we'll be perfectly safe."

"Right," the dark-haired boy nodded. "So, I'm Barry Nutter and you're Don Minky."

Don Minky nodded. "It was nice of our headmaster to pay for us to come on this trip while they search the school grounds for your archenemy," he commented.

"It sure was."

"And it was really nice of that evil sorcerer who's out to get you to tell our headmaster where you'd be safe. He said, 'I will kill that interfering boy anywhere he goes on this earth. Except, unfortunately, on the cruise ship leaving for the Bahamas at 3 p.m. Tuesday. I can't quite fit that into my schedule.' Those were his exact words, weren't they?"

"Yep. So here we are on that cruise ship. The only place on earth I'll be safe," Barry Nutter agreed, smoothing his dark hair over the jagged scar on his forehead and heading below deck to find their cabin.

"Oh, thank goodness we've escaped that awful Count again!" a dark-haired girl said with a relieved sigh. "Now we're safely on board this cruise ship and there's no way anyone can get at us for ten whole days!"

"That's right, Vio...um...I mean Chrysanthemum. Somehow we managed to sneak aboard this cruise, even though we don't have access to any money. And no one questioned what two kids were doing dragging around a baby without any parental supervision," the boy replied.

"Lame!" the baby cradled in her sister's arms cried.

"That's right, Su... I mean, Shady. It is almost unbelievably good luck," the girl agreed, nodding her head and causing her long hair to swing in the sea breeze. "Now if we can just remember to use our aliases while on board, no one will know who we are. Remember, I'm Chrysanthemum Badaire, you're my brother, Ken, and the baby's name is Shady."

Chrysanthemum followed her younger brother along the ship's railing toward their stateroom, able to keep an eye on him in the crowd of boarding passengers by watching the sun glint on his glasses. Of course, other people on deck gave the three siblings a wide berth when they saw the massive pointed tooth that poked out of the baby's mouth.

"Looks like some kind of alien," one man muttered, as he struggled under the weight of his suitcases.

"Sir, are you sure this is a good idea?" the huge, bald man asked uncertainly. He looked carefully up and down the ship's deck before stepping off the walkway himself or letting the young man he escorted do the same.

"Yes, of course this is a good idea," the pale, black-haired boy replied testily in a thick, Irish accent. "Since when do I have ideas that aren't good?"

"Well, Sir, how about the time I got shot? And then there was that troll attack that left me legally dead…," the man walking beside the boy began.

The boy glared up at his massive manservant. "But we agreed those incidents were actually _your_ fault, didn't we?" the boy replied in a cold voice.

"Of course, Sir."

"Now, remember the plan. We stay here on this dingy cruise ship for the next ten days until the heat dies down among international customs officials. The authorities in Ireland will never think of looking for us here. By the time we're back in port, the evidence against us will be at the bottom of the sea and I'll be $50 million richer." The boy's blue-black eyes gleamed greedily.

"And to maintain our cover, I'm supposed to pose as your uncle, Sir?"

"Correct. We want to blend in with the common folk, so your name is Uncle Gardener, and I shall be," the boy cleared his throat and a look of distaste crossed his pasty face, "Athena Fare."

The huge man shook his shaved head very slightly as he followed his employer below decks in search of their stateroom.

"Welcome to the ship's dining room! We're so glad you're here!" a disturbingly perky young woman chirped at Barry Nutter and his red-headed friend, Don.

"Er, thanks," Barry said, warily eyeing the young woman. "Could you tell us where we're supposed to sit?"

"Of course I could! I'm your Cruise Director after all, and I love my job! No service is too small or meaningless for me to be excited about it." The woman's grin seemed to spread even wider than her face, like the Cheshire Cat. She looked down a long list. "Here you are! You're at Table Nine. You'll be sitting with the Badaire siblings, that's Ken, Chrysanthemum, and the baby with the tooth is Shady. The vampiric-looking boy is Athena Fare with his gigantic, scary uncle, Gardener. Enjoy your meal!"

As Barry and Don made their way through the crowded dining room, Don whispered to his friend, "No one can be that naturally happy. Do you suppose the Cruise Director was under some kind of spell?"

Barry groped for the wand concealed beneath his sweater, making sure it was still there. The message in that movement was clear. Barry would die before anyone could cast a spell forcing him to enjoy life.

Barry and Don approached Table Nine and took the two empty seats. The others around the table looked curiously at them.

"Er, hi," Barry said, and introduced himself and Don to the others.

The pale boy named Athena Fare glanced at the newcomers. "You're lying. Those aren't your real names."

Barry's eyes snapped opened wide.

"W..w..what do you mean?" Don stammered, looking terrified.

Athena looked disgusted. "Your shirts are monogrammed. Barry's says H.P. and Don's is R.W. If you're going to travel under assumed names, you should at least get the details right."

Barry and Don looked down at their shirts as red crept into their faces. "Er, the shirts are borrowed," Barry explained lamely.

"Sure they are. And I'm the village idiot," Athena replied sarcastically.

"Actually, you two do look familiar," the Badaire boy named Ken piped up. "I read quite a bit and I think you've been in some of my books." Ken Badaire peered intently across the table, while Barry and Don shifted uncomfortably.

"Of course!" Ken cried with a triumphant jump that knocked his spectacles askew. "You're that English boy wizard who's being chased by an evil sorcerer. I'll bet you've got a jagged scar on your forehead!"

Barry's and Don's mouths opened and closed rapidly, but no sound came out. They both looked like fish that had been yanked up on the ship's deck.

Athena Fare rolled his eyes and said, "Bravo, Ken. It only took you half of dinner to figure out something so obvious that the captain's parrot knew it immediately." Then, turning to Barry, he continued. "Next time you're trying to avoid drawing attention to yourself, try traveling without the kid whose red hair lights up a room like a flare. Or at least get him a hat."

Ken Badaire's face was pink from embarrassment. He had always prided himself on his intelligence and here this pale Irish boy had brutally insulted it. Meanwhile, Barry and Don were both staring down at their plates, clearly wishing they could slide unnoticed under the dinner table.

"How dare you speak to my brother so rudely!" Chrysanthemum Badaire snapped at Athena.

Such an angry tone directed at Athena attracted Uncle Gardener's attention. He moved his hand ever so slightly under the table so that it rested on the gun at his hip. He looked appraisingly at Chrysanthemum across the table, as though judging the distance his steak knife would have to travel to slice right between her eyes.

Chrysanthemum seemed unaware of her peril, however, and continued to berate Athena Fare. "If you're not careful, I'm going to tie my hair back in a ponytail and invent a way to make you apologize!"

"Obnoxious," the baby sitting next to Chrysanthemum said decisively.

"What my little sister, Shady, means is that she's hungry and would like some dinner," Chrysanthemum translated for the rest of the table. "Now, would you please stop trying to uncover people's disguises and pass the potatoes?"

Before he would let Athena touch the bowl, Gardener insisted on running his hands through it to make sure there were no hidden explosives. By the time Shady got the potatoes, they were covered by huge handprints.

Gardener was wiping his hands on a napkin when Barry's friend Don cried, "Hey, wait a minute! Barry, didn't this Irish kid say his name was Athena Fare? I think he's feeding us a load of rubbish."

Barry looked keenly at Athena, then realization spread across his face. "I've read about you! You're that super-rich, super-genius, international criminal kid. You're named after one of those goddesses from Greek mythology, like Hera or Diana or something."

Athena sighed heavily. "First, Diana is a Roman goddess, not Greek, and if you weren't a cretin, you'd know that." Here, the boy paused and a thin smile passed over his lips. "Get it? _Cretin_…._Greek_ goddess? Sometimes my sense of humor gets the better of me." The others stared blankly at their companion and Athena's fleeting smile faded. "As I was saying, my name is Athena. I'm merely a millionaire and my I.Q. is just slightly above average. Far higher than yours, of course, but really nothing exceptional."

Barry would not be swayed. "And I know that big guy, too. He's your butler, but I can't remember his name."

"This tall, bald, heavily-armed, slightly Asian-looking gentleman is merely my uncle. Let's call him Gardener for the purposes of this journey, shall we?" Athena raised an eyebrow, but no one looked convinced. It was clear that his cover was blown and he was not pleased.

"Fine," Athena said tersely. "As long as we're exposing one another's secrets, perhaps I should point out that the Badaires are also traveling under aliases. They are siblings on the run from an evil Count who is seeking to steal their family fortune. Based on the usual tone of their books, I must assume that they have sneaked aboard this ship. I will do them the honor of not uttering their names aloud, however, lest enemies should overhear."

Chrysanthemum, Ken, and Shady looked stunned that they had been discovered, despite their complete lack of any convincing disguise.

"Busted," Shady said.

"Well, I guess we all have something in common," Ken finally said after an uncomfortable silence. "We're all on the run from someone or something. Maybe we can keep one another's secrets and survive this trip."

Grim nods around the table accompanied this suggestion.

The meal provided by the cruise line was complimented by everyone except Athena and Uncle Gardener. For Barry and Don, who even enjoyed their school cafeteria's food, the ship's prime rib and twice-baked potatoes seemed like a royal feast. Plus, since they were English, their expectations for good food were not very high to begin with. The Badaire siblings, too, enjoyed their meal. After being on the run for the better part of their lives and eating any scraps that came their way, an actual hot meal on a plate seemed like the height of luxury.

Athena and Gardener, however, had far more discriminating tastes. "I think the cook's cat coughed this up today," Athena complained when he took a bite of the rice pudding that was served for dessert.

"If you don't mind my saying so, Sir, I could have made us a better meal in our cabin using only a tin of sardines and a rhododendron bush," Gardener added.

Before Gardener and Athena could even comment on the coffee that managed to be both weak and bitter at the same time, the sound of a powerful explosion tore through the dining room. The ship rocked and Don screamed. There was general confusion in the dining room, before a second, more massive explosion caused the whole ship to lurch. That's when the lights went out.

**Chapter 2**

**A Bumpy Landing**

The white sand felt smooth under the castaways' cheeks. They woke up, one at a time, to find themselves on a broad beach bordered by a dense jungle. The sun was already high in the sky and there was no trace of their cruise ship in the calm ocean.

"What happened?" Don yawned, stretching and brushing sand off his face.

"I don't know. The last thing I remember was some brilliant rice pudding," Barry replied, checking to make sure the wand under his sweater was still in one piece.

Chrysanthemum crawled across the sand to cradle Shady. "What do you suppose happened back on the ship?" she asked nervously.

Gardener was already on his feet. After checking to make sure Athena was unhurt, he had begun to survey the beach and nearby woods. "Someone who had a thorough knowledge of explosives must have secured the devices to the ship's hull. From the sound, I'd say the materials were Russian-made and purchased on the black market. Anyone with access to a little money and a few unscrupulous characters could have been responsible for sinking that ship."

The survivors looked at one another suspiciously. They all had enemies, any one of whom could have masterminded the explosions.

"Well," Ken began, "maybe we should focus on where we are and how to get back to civilization. If we can find some books around here, maybe I could research a way to get help."

"Gilligan," Shady squeaked from where she rested on her sister's lap.

"What my sister means," Chrysanthemum explained, "is that it will be dark soon, so we might want to light a fire to keep us warm tonight."

Shady scowled at Chrysanthemum and bit her lower lip with her massive tooth, but did not say another word.

"A fire's an excellent idea," Barry agreed. "Does anyone have a dry match?"

Athena shook his head in disgust. "Why in the world would we need a match when you've got a wand hidden in your sweater? You could create fire with a word."

Don looked terrified. "N...n...no! We couldn't use m...m...magic outside of school. We'd be expelled!" He seemed about to faint at the very thought.

"Don's right. We can't risk being thrown out of school just for a little fire," Barry said.

"Correct me if I'm wrong, here," Ken began, "but in one of your books, the magical authorities actually made contact with you when you used your powers without authorization. If you do that now, then they'll find you and we'll all be rescued, right?"

Don's face paled to the point where he was almost as white as Athena. "But then my Mum would find out we'd used magic and she'd," he sniffled, "_yell_ at us! I couldn't stand it. We'll have to spend the rest of our lives here rather than face that punishment."

While this conversation was going on, no one noticed Gardener stealthily approaching Ken. In the blink of an eye, the huge manservant/uncle reached out and snatched the glasses off of Ken's face.

"Hey! Give those back!" Ken cried indignantly. "I need those to read so I can get us out of the messes my siblings and I get ourselves into."

Athena offered Ken a nasty smile as he followed Gardener to a spot on the beach where the man had assembled a pile of dried leaves and twigs. Gardener positioned Ken's glasses over the pile and, within moments, the hot sun focused by the spectacles was causing wisps of smoke to rise from the brush.

"Napalm," Shady commented.

"Shady says that if you want to start a fire, you don't need Ken's glasses. Just use the flame thrower hanging off Gardener's belt," Chrysanthemum translated.

Athena was feeding branches to the blazing fire that his servant had started. "First of all," he began, "there are no books here, so it's not like Ken needs his glasses for reading. In case you didn't receive the memo, we have washed up on a deserted beach. One, I might add, _without_ a fully stocked public library." Athena paused for maximum effect. "And second, it's more fun to make a fire with Ken's glasses. We'll save the flame thrower for another time."

"So what do we do now?" Don asked.

"I imagine that we want to make sure we really are stranded on a desert island," Athena suggested. "Wouldn't we all feel foolish if we squatted here in the sand for the next week only to look up some afternoon and see a band of tourists bearing down on us? For all we know, there could be a five star resort on the other side of this hill. And if there is, I could use a bit of caviar to wash the taste of that rice pudding out of my mouth." He scowled at the memory of the offending pudding.

"Athena's right," Chrysanthemum agreed. "Let's send a few people up the mountain to see what our surroundings look like."

After surprisingly little bickering, Gardener headed up the palm- and coconut-studded hill with Ken Badaire and Barry Nutter trailing along behind.

Chrysanthemum stayed behind on the beach so she would not have to carry Shady the whole way, along with Athena who claimed high altitudes gave him nosebleeds, and Don who expressed terror at the thought of exploring a potentially dangerous area of the jungle.

The climb up the hill was hot and both Barry and Ken were soon covered with bug bites. Oddly, Gardener seemed unaffected by the aggressive insects. It was as though they, like everyone else, were intimidated by the giant man.

"It looks like an island all right," Gardener growled when he and the boys were standing on the hill's summit. Water surrounded their small oval of dry land and stretched as far as the eye could see in all directions. The island itself consisted of acres of deep green jungle with a strip of sandy beach serving as a border between the plant life and the ocean.

"I know we have a fire down there on the beach," Barry commented, "but I can barely see it. If we want rescuers to notice us, maybe we ought to keep a signal fire going up here on this hilltop."

Gardener grunted his approval. "I was just thinking the same thing. I'll start a fire up here and take the first watch over it. You two go down and tell everyone what we've learned."

Ken looked warily at Gardener. "Are you going to steal my glasses again to make the fire?" he asked.

"No, not this time. I'll just use the waterproof matches I always carry with my spare ammunition."

"We should probably make a schedule for who's on signal fire duty," Ken suggested when he and Barry had rejoined the others on the beach.

"What we should do," Chrysanthemum began, tying her hair back in a ribbon as she thought her idea through, "is select a leader. That way the leader can make a fire-watcher schedule and everyone will have to follow it."

A few of the others nodded, but Athena's eyes narrowed suspiciously. "A leader? And who do you suggest this all-powerful leader should be?"

"I don't know. I just thought..."

Athena interrupted her. "You just thought that there are three Badaires, but Nutter and his friend here are only two, and Gardener and I are only two, as well. You just thought that your little family could out-vote us and become the undisputed rulers of this island."

"Dictator," Shady cooed.

"What my baby sister means is that Chrysanthemum would never abuse her power, so she'd make the best leader," Ken interjected. "I nominate Chrysanthemum Badaire as our leader."

"We should go about this logically," Athena said. "The most intelligent person should be leader because he can best consider the interests of everyone in the group. Since I am clearly the only genius here, I nominate myself."

"You?" Don snorted. "You can't buy a hamburger without creating an international incident. You'd make a terrible leader."

"Oh? And I suppose you or Barry would be better?"

"Yeah, we would," Don asserted, crossing his arms over his chest. "I nominate Barry."

"Never!" Athena shouted. "After centuries of the Irish being oppressed by Englishmen, I will not be ruled by one of you!"

"Alright, then, we're back to Chrysanthemum," Barry said. "I don't think she's English. Or maybe she is. I can't really tell..." Barry trailed off.

Shady looked up from where she was gnawing open a coconut with her sharp tooth. "Ambiguous," she said.

"The kid with the scar raises a good point," Athena said, rounding on the Badaires. "Where _are_ you from? The little one's teeth are goofy enough for you to be English. You're almost clueless enough to be Americans. You dress strangely, so you could be Australians or New Zealanders. Which is it?"

"Does it really matter where we're from? Would you accept me as a leader anyway?" Chrysanthemum asked in exasperation.

By the end of the afternoon, it was decided that no one would be leader. After hours of pointless arguing, they finally reached the point where no one in the group would accept the position of leader, even if the others could agree. The castaways thought that living in a state of anarchy would be for the best.

**Chapter 3**

**One Big Happy Family**

It took a few days for everyone to get the hang of living together on a deserted tropical island. People took turns tending to the signal fire on the hill and gathering coconuts and bananas to eat. They also worked hard building some huts near the beach. Fortunately, they had the machete and gasoline-powered chainsaw that Gardener always carried on his utility belt to help with construction. Chrysanthemum tied her hair back in a ribbon and designed some very comfortable huts by drawing diagrams in the sand with a stick.

Aside from the fact that they were stuck on a deserted island with no prospect for being rescued, they experienced few problems. Sure, the diet of coconuts and bananas was bland, but Gardener was able to use his culinary skills to make them tasty and interesting most of the time. His coconut lasagna and banana-clam casserole were particular favorites. Also, at high tide every day, Don panicked and grew convinced that the ocean would keep rising and eventually overtake the whole island. But every day, instead of everyone drowning, the predictable orbit of the moon proved Don wrong and the water receded.

One day after about a week on the island, Barry and Don found themselves hurrying up the mountain to take their turn tending the signal fire.

"You're late," Chrysanthemum complained when she saw them. "I've been here all day. You should have been up hours ago."

"Sorry, we got stuck chopping bamboo poles for Gardener. He wants to build a ten foot electrified fence around the huts. You know, just in case," Don explained.

"Why couldn't one of you help Gardener, while the other came up here to relieve me?" Chrysanthemum wanted to know.

Barry sighed deeply. "You know Don's afraid to be alone with Gardener, and he's afraid to come up the mountain by himself. I had to stay with him."

Chrysanthemum was still not happy. "I may have to invent a way to make Don less afraid of everything. He's becoming a real pain." And with that, the girl turned on her heel and stomped off into the jungle.

When Chrysanthemum had gone, Don turned to his friend, "I don't know, Barry, there's something about that Chrysanthemum. She's smart and bossy. I feel both repelled by her and attracted to her at the same time. She seems kind of familiar. Do you know what I mean?"

Barry stared in open-mouthed wonder at his friend. The urge to give Don a solid shake was etched on Barry's face, but instead he controlled himself and just headed into the woods in search of firewood.

Later that night, a huge storm broke over the island. Since there was no way to keep the fire alive during torrential rains, plus little chance that anyone was at sea to spot the signal fire, Barry and Don came down from the mountain and took shelter in their hut. The other castaways also remained in their huts, grateful for the coconut milk-based waterproofing materials that Athena had made.

The next morning dawned clear and bright. Ken was the first one awake and he trudged up the mountain to restart the signal fire.

A short time later, he came barreling back down, crashing through brush the whole the way. "There's something up there!" he shouted. "It's a monster!" Ken was white as a ghost and shaking all over when the others poured out of their huts.

"Where exactly is this monster?" Gardener demanded. One hand was already reaching for the revolver at his hip that he always wore to sleep at night.

Ken pointed a trembling finger about half-way up the mountain.

Gardener turned to Athena. "I'll be right back," was all he said, before scooping up the small arsenal he kept in his hut and heading toward the mountain.

The remaining castaways huddled on the beach and watched as Gardener plunged into the dense tropical foliage. No one spoke.

A few silent moments passed before BANG! BANG! BANG! erupted from the mountainside. Don screamed and dove face-first into the sand. Chrysanthemum draped her body protectively over Shady. Only Athena remained completely calm.

"Sniper," Shady whispered.

After several more long minutes, Gardener came crashing through the undergrowth. He was dragging a long piece of white plastic behind him. The others surrounded the manservant when he reached the beach.

"Three shots, Gardener?" Athena drawled. "That must have been some monster. You've never needed more than two shots to kill anything."

Gardener smirked and gestured toward the plastic he had brought from the mountain. "There's your monster. It's a banner from our cruise ship advertising the shipboard entertainment. It must have blown in from the sea during last night's storm."

The others leaned close and turned the plastic banner over so they could see it. Sure enough, there were the faces of the ship's stand-up comedians, plus a husband and wife singing duo, and the children's entertainers.

"But what about all those shots?" Barry wanted to know.

"Oh, that was just target practice. See the clown's face on that end of the banner? It always pays to maintain one's skills," Gardener explained.

Sure enough, in the children's entertainment section of the banner, Bippy the Clown's picture had three perfect bullet holes straight through his white-painted forehead.

"Gacy," Shady whistled.

**Chapter 4**

**Trouble in Paradise**

As days turned into weeks, the castaways began to grow more disheartened over the possibility of their ever being rescued. They kept the signal fire alight, but no one really had much hope any longer. They figured that any rescue operation for survivors of the cruise ship disaster had come and gone long ago.

Their loss of hope and the prospect of being stuck on a deserted island for the rest of their lives began to take its toll in a number of ways. First and foremost, the castaways began to lose patience with one another over the most mundane things.

"Look, if the two of you insist on living like animals, then please do the rest of us a favor and make your home in a tree on the other side of the island," Athena pointedly said to Chrysanthemum and Ken one morning.

"Animals?" Ken spluttered. "You're saying that Chrysanthemum and I live like animals? Well, let me tell you that some animals are far more tidy than most humans. In fact, I once read a book that said mother cats are so careful about keeping their kittens clean that they lick up their...."

"Gross!" Shady shrieked, before Ken could continue.

"What Shady means is that Ken and I are not messy. Athena just expects everyone on this island to act like his personal servants," Chrysanthemum said.

"By asking that you throw your banana peels into the woods instead of leaving them lying near the fire, I'm treating you like my servant?" Athena asked incredulously.

"I've told you a million times that those weren't our banana peels! They must be yours!" Chrysanthemum cried. "I wish I could invent a way to force you to choke on your own stinking peels!"

At the perceived threat to Athena's safety, Gardener looked up from where he was using a palm frond to clean his rocket launcher. His eyes narrowed and he watched Chrysanthemum carefully, one finger playing over the weapon's launching mechanism.

Athena's lips pressed into an angry line. "And I've told you, madam, that those are not my peels. As a young lad at my nanny's knee, I learned to clean up after myself and I have done so ever since."

Don choked and spat coconut milk down his shirt. "_You_ had a nanny?" he cried. "Poor woman. Is she in the loony bin now?"

"I am deeply offended by that comment," Athena replied with a superior sniff. "They are called rest homes today, and I assure you that my family placed her in the highest quality facility in Ireland."

"I don't care about your nanny; I just want you to stop badgering Ken and me about these stupid banana peels," Chrysanthemum insisted.

"I will when you stop leaving them around like an sociopathic chimps. The fact is that someone's doing it. I know it's not me, and you're claiming it isn't you, so whom does that leave?"

At that moment, both Athena and Chrysanthemum turned away from each other and faced Don. His coconut husk lay beside him, leaking milk all over the sand.

Chrysanthemum and Athena stared in open-mouthed horror at the boy.

"What?" Don asked, his freckled face turning almost as red as his hair.

Athena could barely contain his anger. "You? _You've_ been responsible for turning this camp into a compost heap?"

"What's the big deal? We leave rubbish all over the place at home. My Mum doesn't say anything."

"Do I look like your MUM!" Chrysanthemum shrieked, advancing on Don with a fistful of blackened banana peels. But before she got very far, she was pulled up by a voice approaching from the jungle.  
"Er, what's going on?" Barry called. "I was waiting for someone to come up the mountain and relieve me at the signal fire. Where were you?"

"Perfect timing, English," Athena sneered. "We've just discovered that your little chum here has been responsible for all of us living in a garbage dump. We were just about to show him how unpleasant it is to be _literally_ up to one's ears in rotting bananas."

Don looked scared, but Barry stepped in front of his friend. "Leave Don alone. He didn't mean to make a mess."

There was an uncomfortable pause. Barry and Don stood on one side of the campsite and faced off against Athena and Chrysanthemum. Barry, Athena, and Chrysanthemum wore grim expressions, while Don looked plain terrified.

Positioning himself in the middle of the standoff, Ken pleaded, "Would you please stop it? I've read about this type of thing in some psychology books. You're not really mad about the banana peels, you're just upset about still being stuck on this island. We keep waiting for the adults to rescue us, but they never come. We're all scared and now we're taking it out on each other."

"I've _written_ more psychology books than you'll ever read, Badaire," Athena spat. "We're doing this because Don is a filthy pig who needs to be taught a lesson."

Barry's green eyes glinted menacingly as his friend cowered behind him. "Like I said, no one's touching Don."

As Barry spoke, his hand crept under his tattered sweater and grasped the wand concealed there. Meanwhile, Butler detected this motion that might threaten Athena and shouldered his rocket launcher.

Things looked like they were about to turn ugly when Shady suddenly screamed. The others abruptly stopped their bickering and turned toward the baby. In their weeks on the island, no one had ever heard Shady cry, so her scream took everyone off guard.

"What's wrong?" Chrysanthemum asked anxiously. She dropped the banana peels meant for Don and dashed to Shady. "Do you need a diaper?"

The baby looked truly appalled and pushed her sister's hand away. "The adults in our books are all morons!" Shady shouted.

Chrysanthemum's mouth dropped open. She licked her lips nervously and began, "What my baby sister means is that..."

But Shady cut her off. "What I mean is that the adults in all of our books are morons. They're cruel, stupid, gullible, self-righteous, and condescending." Shady paused and offered Gardener a small, apologetic smile. "Present company excluded, of course."

Gardener nodded his thanks.

Shady continued. "We're better off without them!"

Athena stepped toward the baby. "First of all, I had no idea you could speak. You should have said something earlier." Shady rolled her eyes, but Athena continued. "Secondly, I'm not sure I agree with what you said about the adults. Perhaps the adults in _your_ books are fools, but not mine. My parents, for example..."

But Shady stopped him with an impatient gesture. "Your mother went insane and became the crazy woman in the attic after your father disappeared," Shady flatly stated. "And she didn't notice that her twelve-year-old son had somehow acquired $15 million in gold bars? Are you kidding me? Plus, besides you, the smartest person in your whole organization is a centaur who wears a tin foil hat."

Athena opened his mouth like he was about to argue, then shut it again and just hung his head.

"And you!" she rounded on Barry Nutter. "The best way the adults in your stories can think of to protect you from a murderous sorcerer is to stick you in the suburban home of your sadistic uncle? An uncle, I might add, who doesn't care whether you live or die. How about letting you stay at school where you're surrounded by ancient spells and teachers with magical powers? Is that really such a difficult concept?"  
Barry and Don looked at each other uncomfortably. The baby with the tooth had a point.

Finally, Shady turned to her brother and sister. "And what about us? Adults have mistaken you for a two-headed circus freak and me for a casserole. What are these people thinking? And we're being pursued by a madman who can throw off the authorities simply by putting on a pair of socks."

Ken and Chrysanthemum dug their naked toes into the sand.

When Shady finally stopped talking, an uncomfortable silence fell on the beach. Everyone's chance of being rescued had rested in the hands of the adults off the island. Now that Shady had pointed out the futility of relying on adults for anything, the castaways' hearts sank.

Ken was first to speak. "So what should we do? I mean, if we accept the fact that we're never going to be rescued."

Shady looked at her brother in shock. "What? I never said we wouldn't be rescued."

"But, you just...," Don began.

"What I said was that the adults in our books are morons. Which only means that we have to think like morons if we want to be rescued."

"And what did you have in mind?" Gardener asked suspiciously.

"If we follow my plan," Shady said confidently, "I guarantee we'll be off this island by Christmas. Are you in?"

**Chapter 5**

**One Last Meal**

Two months later, the first helicopter landed on the island. And following immediately behind that helicopter were four more helicopters and two power boats carrying camera crews.

As the two passengers from the first helicopter disembarked, the castaways hurried to greet their guests.

"Welcome to Fun and Sand Island!" Athena said expansively. "You are sure to enjoy your vacation in the lap of luxury. Rest assured that this is the most expensive, exclusive resort in the world."

Chrysanthemum stepped forward and added, "Our business is all about catering to the whims of celebrities such as yourselves. And needless to say, your privacy will be guarded by every member of our expertly trained staff. Especially since swimsuits are optional on our beach."

The news crews and paparazzi hanging out of the helicopters and off the boats snapped endless pictures of the two sun-tanned celebrities who were beginning their "remote and private" vacation.

This particular couple had met several months earlier while shooting a movie together. Their faces were all over the tabloids every week and their names on the tongues of every gossip columnist in the United States and Britain.

Gardener approached the celebrities and easily shouldered the couple's considerable pile of luggage. As he led them toward the largest of the huts built among the palm and coconut trees, Gardener flashed a quick and uncharacteristic smile at Shady. For her part, Shady glanced away from counting the cash that reporters and photographers were stuffing in her small hands. She shot Gardener a sharp-toothed grin in return.

Later that evening, when the celebrities and the paparazzi who were following them were all safely tucked into their hammocks, the castaways met on the moon-drenched beach.

"It worked!" Don was the first to say. "I can't believe it. Not only will we be able to use one of these boats or helicopters to escape this island, but we're rich."

"I must say, Shady, that this idea of your was a stroke of true genius. And I know genius when I see it," Athena said.

Ken was staring at his baby sister with a mixture of awe and respect. "But how did you know?" he finally asked. "How did you know that the easiest way to lure stupid adults here was to create an expensive, obscenely overpriced resort with a topless beach?"

Shady sighed. "It was very simple. Since the books telling the tale of our miserable lives have been so popular, we've met a lot of American and British celebrities. I know that they flock to remote islands, pretending that they're trying to escape the media. Then the celebrities' publicists always let it slip where they're going for vacation and the press clogs the island with boats, planes, and helicopters."

"So, now that we have our pick of ways to get off the island, are we ready to go?" Barry asked.

The others looked around and shrugged.

"I guess, but it's been nice not having to worry about an evil man chasing us around for our fortune all the time," Chrysanthemum commented.

Gardener nodded. "And I haven't been shot at or attacked by a troll for months."

"I haven't missed taking classes and having loads of homework," Don added.

The castaways looked at each other expectantly. There was silence on the beach, except for the gentle lapping of waves and the stealthy footsteps of a photographer creeping toward the celebrity couple's hut window.

Then a horrifying sound pierced the night, making the castaways jump and gasp.

"Why, hello there! Fancy meeting you here! My tummy's rumbling for some honey and I hope you've got some to share!" A pudgy beige bear waddled out of the palm trees and stood facing the castaways with a vacant grin on his face. Behind him came a bright pink pig skipping on its hind legs. The pair was barely tall enough to reach Gardener's knees.

"And good evening!" the little pig cried in a too-high voice. "My friend and I heard there were some fellow children's book characters stranded on this island, so we're here to rescue you. We came all the way in a speedboat from the big wood where we live. We're going to have such fun on the boat home! We'll tell stories and sing songs. Are you ready to go?"

The castaways stared at the newcomers for a moment, then turned to each other. When they looked back at the fuzzy bear and pig, they knew what they had to do.

Very late that night, as Gardener maneuvered the speedboat away from the island and into open water, everyone breathed a sigh of contentment. Don even loosened the top button on his jeans to give his full stomach more room to digest.

"So we're going back to civilization after all," Athena commented, eyeing the bag of cash that the celebrities and reporters had given them.

"I think it's the right thing to do," Barry replied. "But I'm glad we got a good meal in us first. The school Dining Hall may not be open when Don and I get back."

"That was some good barbecue pork," Don nodded. "After coconuts and bananas for more than two months, that's just what I needed."

"It's a shame the pig's friend had to get in the way, though," Chrysanthemum lamented. "But he should have known we were hungry and weren't feeling too civilized after so long on a deserted island."

Ken put his arm around his elder sister. "We were pretty ruthless. Maybe we've learned more from the adults in our books than we thought."

As the true meaning of Ken's words sank in, gleams began to develop in the former castaways' eyes and small smiles slid across their lips.

Rising over the drone of the boat's engine, Shady's excited voice chirped, "Payback!"

When the celebrities and reporters awoke on the island the next morning, they discovered their hosts gone. They also noticed a boulder lying at the bottom of the cliff overlooking the beach. Two stubby beige arms and two stumpy beige legs stuck out from under the massive rock. But the most unusual thing they found was a fuzzy, pink pig's head propped on a stick that was sharpened at both ends. It was stuck in the sand on the beach, looking out to sea.


End file.
